DEAR MISS MANNERS -- When someone brings sweet rolls to work for a treat, is it proper for people to cut them up and leave halves, quarters or eighths on the plate?
GENTLE READER -- Those who bring sweet rolls to work should not be quartered, much less eighthed. They are only being nice.

Why can you only have two doors on a chicken coop? If it had four it would be a chicken sedan.

"Personal" ad in local paper: David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding and teething. Have news. Debbie."My mother made me a homosexual!"
"If I send her the yarn, can she make me one too?"

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children?
He just adored the platter of little feet...

Scientific American, July 1991: The column describes an insect-like robot and then relates an incident in which a curious visitor, upon seeing the thing for the first time, asks "is it a bug?" The reply: "No, it's a feature."

Quantum particles: The dreams that stuff is made of.

"Can you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here," asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the cat.

The other day I put my wrists in front of my eyes.
I had Carpal Tunnel Vision Syndrome.

While travelling near Tampa, Florida I passed the "Jehovah's Witness Assembly Hall" and was struck by the fact that that must be where they make them.

Twice five syllables
Plus seven can't say much but
That's Haiku for you.

Be on the lookout for a leopard which escaped from the zoo early this morning. It was spotted near the corner of 12th and Cherry at around 8am, and in all likelihood still is.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
Because OCT(31) = DEC(25)

I get up each morning, gather my wits.
Pick up the paper, read the obits.
If I'm not there I know I'm not dead.
So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed.
-- Pete Seeger

The Naked Gun 2 1/2:
Woman: "Is this some kind of a bust?"
Drebin: "It's very impressive, yes."

Things that don't go together: Poetry and Power Tools, High Jumping and Low Ceilings, Wet Paint and Dry Cleaning, Power Lifting and Ice Skating.

Sheep haiku: sheepskin seatcovers
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more

Do not walk behind me,
for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me,
for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either,
Just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to he end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge-is" group.

Ah, the thrill of modern dance! The sweeping musical majesty, the joy of poetic motion, the challenge of stuffing a dollar bill into a bouncing bikini brief...

How much of a tip to leave in a restaurant is always a controversial question. I usually recommend half a crouton, or for special service, throw that little sprig of parsley.

This morning I woke up tot unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kinda foot disease, I don't wanna know 'em!

Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.

A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.

If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.

Winning isn't everything. Winning and gloating and rubbing their noses in it... that's everything!

Last night I was in the mood to see something silly and idiotic on TV. So I put the cat there.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!

People who live in glass houses shouldn't cavort nude on top of the piano doing gorilla impersonations.

A rose by any other name would stick you just as bad and draw just as much blood when you grab a thorn.

Strangers are friends you haven't bled for an easy twenty yet.

Somewhere, over the rainbow... that's where the airline will find my luggage.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

I've found a sure way to relieve office stress:
Step 1: take a deep breath
Step 2: count to 10.
Step 3: set the boss's wastebasket on fire.

If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, it wasn't yours to begin with.

If you love something, set it free.
If it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
If it doesn't, hunt it down and kill it.

When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet. When toast is dropped, it always lands butter-side-down. I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat [butter facing up]. The two will hover, spinning, inches above the ground. With a giant buttered-toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago. -- Omni

If an infinite number of rednecks, driving an infinite number of pickup trucks, fire an infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works, in Braille. -- Omni

Why Yawning Is Contagious: You yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they must yawn to even it out. -- Omni

When subjected to extreme feminine heat and pressure, male hydrocarbons will often produce a diamond. -- Omni

Communist China is technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate ideas at a faster rate. -- Omni

The reason hot-rod owners raise the backs of their cars is that it's easier to go faster when you're always going downhill. -- Omni

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. -- Mark Twain

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either. -- Marvin Minsky

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog: Nobody really enjoys it and the frog generally dies as a result.

Sign for a combined Veterinarian and Taxidermist business:
"Either Way You Get Your Dog Back"

You see things; and you say, "Why?" But I dream things that never were; and I say, "Why not?" -- George Bernhard Shaw

Mae West: For a long time I was ashamed of the way I lived.
Interviewer: Did you reform?
Mae West: No; I'm not ashamed anymore.

[Proofs that odd numbers are prime]
Mathematician:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime.
Physicist:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is a bad data point, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Engineer:
1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime,
9 is approximately prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime...
Computer Scientist:
1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, ...

An amateur thinks it's really funny if you dress a man up as an old lady, put him in a wheelchair, and give the wheelchair a push that sends it spinning down a slope towards a stone wall. For a pro, it's got to be a real old lady. -- Groucho Marx

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end---I shouldn't be at all surprised. -- Dorothy Parker

Professor Marlin's Rule: If you have an open book test, you will forget your book.
If you have a take home test, you will forget where you live.

Those who will not reason, perish in the act.
Those who will not act, perish for that reason. -- W. H. Auden, _Shorts_

We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read. -- Mark Twain

Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny..." -- Isaac Asimov

I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. -- Unknown English Professor

I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- English Professor, Ohio University

For I am a Bear of Very Little Brain, and big words Bother me. -- Winnie the Pooh

Last night I held a little hand, No other hand, tho held so tight, So dainty and so neat. Could greater gladness bring, I thought my heart would surely burst; Than the hand I held last night; So wildly did it beat. Four aces and a king.

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone. -- Keynes

The worst crime against working people is a company which fails to operate at a profit. -- Samuel Gompers (1908)

It is not from the benevolence of the butcher, the brewer, or the baker, that we expect our dinner, but from their regard to their own self-interest. We address ourselves, not to their humanity but to their self-love, and never talk to them of our own neccessities but of their advantages. -- Adam Smith

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulder of giants. -- Isaac Newton
If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on my shoulders. -- Hal Abelson
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. -- Brian K. Reed

So far the theories of mathematics are about reality, they are not certain; so far as they are certain, they are not about reality. -- Albert Einstein

Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese. -- G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)

The primary purpose of the Data statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable Pi can be given that value with a Data statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- Fortran manual for Xerox Computers

Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -- Jules Feiffer

A Christian is a man who feels Repentant on a Sunday For what he did on Saturday And will do again on Monday.

Cuisine is something like food but the portions are smaller and the prices are higher. If you happen to have French cuisine then the waiter will insult you as you are served.

HUMAN NATURE
Once I shot a bird,
When I was very young.
I watched it fall, and die.
And I thought that it was fun.
-- W.C. Mackie

I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.

Mr Attlee is a very modest man. Indeed he has a lot to be modest about. -- Winston Churchill

A toast to bread, for without bread, there could be no toast.

But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats. -- H. L. Mencken

The probability that we may fail in the struggle ought not to deter us from the support of a cause we believe to be just. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt. -- Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)

Scitum est inter caecos luscum regnare posse. (It is well known, that among the blind the one-eyed man is king.) -- Gerard Didier Erasmus (c. 1465-1536)

Veni, vidi, vici. (I came, I saw, I conquered.) -- Gaius Julius Caesar (c. 102-44 BC)

See the happy moron,
He doesn't give a damn.
I wish I were a moron,
My God! Perhaps I am!
-- Dorothy Parker

Some men see things as they are and ask why.
Others dream things that never were and ask why not.
-- George Bernard Shaw

Lasciate ogni speranza voi ch'entrate.
(Abandon hope, all ye who enter here.) -- Dante Alighieri (1265-1321)

It is a great advantage for a system of philosophy to be substantially true. -- George Santayana

America is like a melting pot. The people at the bottom get burned, and the scum floats to the top. -- Charlie King

Pope John Paul would be more popular if he called himself Pope John Paul George and Ringo. -- Paul Krassner

So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence. -- Bertrand Russell

What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult. -- Sigmund Freud

Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
-- Dorothy Parker

There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. -- Winston Churchill

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton

If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Isaac Newton

Ah, women. They make the highs higher and the lows more frequent. -- Friedrich Nietzsche

A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism. -- Carl Sagan, "Contact"

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else. -- Ogden Nash

KRQR, home of the million dollar guarantee. You give us a million dollars, we'll play any song you want. Guaranteed.

Marriage: A ceremony in which rings are put on the finger of the lady and through the nose of the gentleman. -- Herbert Spencer

The theory used to be that you marry an older man because they are more mature. The new theory is that men don't mature. So you might as well marry a younger one.

Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. -- Wendell Johnson

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim. -- Edsger W. Dijkstra

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. -- William James

The Lord's Prayer is 66 words, the Gettysburg Address is 286 words, there are 1,322 words in the Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total 26,911 words. -- From an article on the growth of federal regulations

In the Oct. 24th issue of National Review: Half of the people in the world are below average.

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman

Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if it does look like he hasn't eaten in a while. -- Charles Barkley, after blatantly elbowing an Angolan basketball opponent in the Olympics

I think that the team that wins game five will win the series. Unless we lose game five. -- Charles Barkley

When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities. -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in ``Life In Hell'' by Matt Groening

Love is like racing across the frozen tundra on a snowmobile which flips over, trapping you underneath. At night, the ice-weasels come. -- Nietchze

I realize that I'm generalizing here, but as is often the case when I generalize, I don't care. -- Dave Barry

Chu P'ing-man spent a thousand in gold and three years learning dragon killing from Hunchback Yi only to learn there was no place for him to practice his art.

I like my penis, but I do not think it requires boldface, capitalization, italics, or other forms of typographical emphasis. -- Eugene Bild, Chicago Reader

I have become an obstinate heretic in the eyes of my colleagues. Momentary success carries more power of conviction than reflections upon principles. -- Einstein

I must seem like an ostrich who forever burries its head in the relativistic sands in order not to face the evil quanta. -- Einstein

I have little patience with physicists who take a board of wood, look for its thinnest part and drill a great number of holes where drilling is easy. -- Einstein

Formerly, people thought that if matter disappeared from the universe, space and time would remain. Relativity declares that space and time would disappear with matter. -- Einstein

We all agree that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is whether it is crazy enough. -- Bohr to Pauli

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." -- Isaac Asimov

The only object of theoretical Physics is to calculate results that can be compared with experiment. It is quite unnecessary that any satisfying description of the whole course of the phenomenon must be given. -- Dirac

Absolute, true and mathematical time, of itself, and from its own nature flows equably without relation to anything external. -- Newton

I had a clear idea about what time is till I was asked to explain it and ceased to understand it altogether as soon as I began explaining it. -- St. Augustin

He was busy creating hell for people who ask such questions. -- St. Augustin (in reply to "What was God doing before creation?")

Logic and metaphysics make use of more tools than all the rest of the Sciences together and they do the least work. -- Charles Colton

Other people publish to show how to do it. Julian Schwinger publishes to show that only he can do it. -- A critic while commenting on Julian Schwinger's prodigious Math skills

Schwinger always pretended that everything he wrote was a direct revelation from the God. You'd be reading along and suddenly there's 2 neutrinoes - a direct revelation from the Lord! -- Schwinger's colleague

Gentlemen, we must bow before Nature. -- Schwinger, when informed about Parity violation

He suffers from an uncertainty principle. -- Glashow on Schwinger's shyness

Tomorrow's going to be wonderful since today, I do not know anything. -- Bohr

"Uncertainty" is NOT "I don't know". It is "I can't know". "I am uncertain" DOES NOT mean "I could be certain." -- Heisenberg

Evidently, God not only plays dice but plays blind-folded, and, at times, throws them where you can't see them. -- Hawking on black holes

One cannot escape the feeling that these equations have an existence and intelligence of their own; that they are wiser than we are, wiser even than their discoverers; that we get more out of them than was originally put into them. -- Hertz on Maxwell's equations

Space-time tells matter how to move, matter tells space-time how to curve. -- Wheeler

The physicists could but make the best of it, and went around with woebegone faces sadly complaining that on Mondays, Weds. and Fris., they must look upon light as a wave; on Tue, Thur. and Sat as a particle. On Sundays, they just prayed! -- Banesh Hoffman on duality

1st law of thermo. says : you can't win
2 nd law of thermo says : you can't break even.
zeroeth law says : you can't even get out of the game!
Similarly,
Capitalism is based on the false premise that you can win.
Socialism ------------------------------ that you can break even.
Mysticism ------------------------------ that you can get out of the game (Nirvana).
-- From John Barrow's book "World within the world"

Pledge allegiance to the flag, for any flag they offer; Never tell them what you really feel. Teach the children quietly, and someday sons and daughters Will rise up and fight where we stood still. -- Mike and the Mechanics, "Silent Running"

It costs money to propagate intelligence. Ignorance, on the other hand, is free. Our "leaders" in Washington seem to think they have found a bargain. -- Chris Colby

"'My boy,' he said, 'you are descended from a long line of determined, resourceful, microscopic tadpoles--champions every one.'" -- Kurt Vonnegut from "Galapagos"

"During his fifteen years in Italy, Hannibal never had enough elephants to suit him. Most of the original group succumbed to the climate, and he was always begging Carthage for more, but the people at home were stingy. They would ask if he thought they were made of elephants and what had he done with the elephants they sent before." -- Will Cuppy

"One can often recognize herd animals by their tendency to carry bibles." -- Allen Wheelis in "The Signal"

The longer I live the more I see I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time. -- G. B. Shaw

Of course, it's a free country. You can continue to make an ass out of yourself if you're so inclined. -- Richard Huddleston

"The college idealists who fill the ranks of the environmental movement seem willing to do absolutely anything to save the biosphere, except take science courses and learn something about it." -- P.J. O'Rourke, "Parliament of Whores"

Keep an open mind --- but not so open your brain falls out. -- Robert Low

And God said "Jeeze, this is dull"... and it WAS dull. Genesis 0:0. -- Dan Johnson

"It is as useless to argue with those that have renounced the use and authority of reason as to argue with the dead." -- Thomas Paine

"The catastrophist constructs theories, the uniformitarian demolishes them." -- William Whewell 1794-1866

"It is a test of true theories not only to account for, but to predict phenomena." -- William Whewell 1794-1866

Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit. -- Tom Robbins

A theory and some evidence to support it, please. That doesn't seem like a crazy thing to ask of a scientific theory, now, does it? -- Eric Shafto

No, I suggest that creationism is imposed on the Bible. By making it into a religious issue, the proponents have latched on to the only constituency that would put up with it. Where do the ideas come from? From that well-known source, fear of the new. Why else is it so impoverished of ideas? -- Tom Scharle

Un-pa-tri-o-tic (adj): protesting when the government wants to kill people. -- Dr Pepper

Somehow, the Bible forgets to tell us that Noah's family was lousy, poxy, and had "the crabs". An oversight, I guess. -- Joel Hanes

"In our country we have those three unspeakably precious things: freedom of speech, freedom of conscience, and the prudence never to practice eitherf." - Mark Twain

"I often say that when you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it; but when you cannot express it in numbers, your knowledge is of a meagre and unsatisfactory kind; it may be the beginning of knowledge, but you have scarcely, in your thoughts, advanced to the stage of Science, whatever the matter may be." -- Sir William Thomson (Lord Kelvin)

"It is much easier to make measurements than to know exactly what you are measuring." -- J. W. N. Sullivan

"I'm not sure, but He seems to be inordinately fond of beetles." -- J.B.S. Haldane responding to the question, "What has the study of biology taught you about the Creator Dr. Haldane?"

I think that the next time that I see some creationist point out that the present species could evolve from a few "kinds" on the Ark, I am going to point out that that is impossible because of the "second law of thermodynamics" (:-)). -- Tom Scharle

"Television, the drug of the nation, breeding ignorance and feeding radiation." -- Larry Gilbert

"...and a UNIX user said 'rm -fr *' ...and all was without form and void..." -- Andrew Finkenstadt

"Veni! Vidi! Visa! (I came! I saw! I purchased!). -- Julius, Sieze Her!" -- Satish K. Chittamuru

I can't think of anything that expands the mind more than thoughts of God. -- Jim Loucks

I can't think of anything that expands the mind more than revising one's assumptions in the light of evidence. -- Chris Lee

"Why should the government subsidize intellectual curiosity?" -- Ronald Reagan

"Some people, apparently, masturbate with their intellects. I prefer to use my hand. It takes less time, and has a more satisfying outcome. As an added advantage, I am rarely tempted to show people the end product." -- Eric Shafto, responding to Daniel R. Levy's "Why _should_ we believe in evolution?" post.

"No weirdnessfree approach to nature is known, so you either face up to it or close your eyes." -- Matthew P Wiener

"Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than are lies." -- F. Nietzsche

"We want to shear the Lord's sheep of their wooly,fuzzy thinking, not stampede them. So we can't use chainsaws." -- Max G. Webb

"Your eyes are weary from staring at the CRT. You feel sleepy. Notice how restful it is to watch the cursor blink. Close your eyes. The opinions stated above are yours. You cannot imagine why you ever felt otherwise." -- Evan M. Manning

"Surely your God didn't give you your head and your rectum so you could do *that* with 'em?" -- Simon Clippingdale (responding to Chuck Maier)

"I have always admired the insular closed-mindedness which fundamentalists possess, a quality which allows them to filter the chaff from the wheat. And eat the chaff." -- Jim Acker

"The recent problem with the satellite retrieval managed to prove one thing; DeVry graduates really _do_ work for NASA." -- Brian "Rev. P-K" Siano

'Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeeezing one's eyes shut and wailing "does not!".'

[Responding to a report of Mineapolis teachers being told to be "sensitive" to the religious views of their pupils regarding evolution:] What it means in practice is that one of greatest scientific theories of all time will be watered down to cater to the whims of ignorant and intolerant religious zealots. The quality of every students education will be degraded because some believe their mythology supercedes the rights of others to be educated. -- Chris Colby

`A good place to begin the search for truth is to look squarely at the idea that just perhaps you don't want to find it.' -- Gene Ward Smith

"Some people are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them." -- Mark Meyer

"Evolution . . . does not support atheism, Marxism, or fascism any more than mathematics is a plank of the Republican Party" -- Dr. Mark Wilson

"First they stole the fourth amendment. I said nothing because I don't deal drugs. Then they took the sixth amendment. I was silent because I know I'm not guilty. When they came for the second amendment, I kept quiet because I don't own a gun. Now they've come for the first amendment, and I can't say anything at all." -- M. Pablo

" ...the argument from absence of transitional types boils down to the striking fact that such types are always lacking unless they have been found." -- George Gaylord Simpson, _The_Meaning_Of_Evolution_

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind. How true that is." -- J. Danforth Quayle at United Negro College Fund luncheon

"Ministers can and do give medical and psychological advice in this country, and are totally immune from malpractice, even if their advice directly results in death. The concept of separation of church and state is obsolete and should be dissolved. This represents the first step towards government regulation and taxation of the religious fanaticism that has gone so out of control in this country." -- Keith Doyle

" ...the argument from absence of transitional types boils down to the striking fact that such types are always lacking unless they have been found." -- George Gaylord Simpson, _The_Meaning_Of_Evolution_

"... -- it is all over with priests and gods when man becomes scientific. Moral: science is the forbidden as such -- it alone is forbidden. Science is the first sin, seed of all sin, the original sin. This alone is morality. 'Thou shalt not know' -- the rest follows." Nietzsche in "Antichrist".

"Summarizing, the widespread prevalence of agnosticism in scientific circles is for a great part caused by the stupidity of many theists." -- Jan Willem Nienhuys

"The NSA is now funding research not only in cryptography, but in all areas of advanced mathematics. If you'd like a circular describing these new research opportunities, just pick up your phone, call your mother, and ask for one."

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water." --Vice President Dan Quayle, chairman of the National Space Advisory Council

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality." -- George Bernard Shaw

"An important scientific innovation rarely makes its way by gradually winning over and converting its opponents... What does happen is that its opponents gradually die out, and that the growing generation is familiarized with the ideas from the beginning." -- Max Planck

"Sunday's horoscope is noteworthy because of its strange, sudden and wholly unpredictable and inexplicable occurrences, affecting all phases of life." -- "Your Horoscope," L.A. Evening Herald Express, Saturday, Dec. 6, 1941.

"After thinking a lot about the design of the human body, I figure it's a good thing that God is self-employed, because no company on EARTH would ever hire him as an engineer" -- Joe Emenaker

"Insisting on perfect safety is for people who don't have the balls to live in the real world." -- Mary Shafer,

Re phyletic gradualism and punk eek: "..it is probable that the periods, during which each underwent modification, though many and long as measured by years, have been short in comparison with the periods during which each remained in an unchanged condition. and Varieties are often at first local...rendering the discovery of intermediate links less likely. Local varieties will not spread into other and distant regions until they are considerably modified and improved; and when they do spread, if discovered in a geological formation, they will appear as if suddenly created there, and will simply be classed as new species." -- The well known phyletic gradualist, Charles Darwin, "Origin of species" (the former quote is from the 6th edition, not the usually reprinted one).

"Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter." -- Dave Barry

"On the strength of this, both Milton's book and its sycophantic review would appear to be dismal creationist bollocks. I am also suspicious of the claim that Milton has *no* religious convictions of any sort. It is difficult to be this clueless without some divine assistance." -- Simon Clippingdale

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday, like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long weekends.

Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting just any old yokel vote.

Home is where the house is.

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident. No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would be right there.

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think it odd that I drive without pants.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out.

Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number you could come up with!

I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.

The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe "Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?"

Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them, right?

When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell.

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks.

Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!"

If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com.

I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog. Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor.

I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was a big fire and everyone died.

I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was just a lawn mower.

I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself, at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend the rest of the night lighting farts.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 "How do you feel about women's rights?" "I like either side of them." -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 My mother loved children---she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government. I'd give it all up for one erection. -- Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 >From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. -- "The Book of Insults", Groucho Marx, 1890-1977 Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. -- Winston Churchill (1874-1965) Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under communism, it's just the opposite. -- John Kenneth Galbraith It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place. -- H. L. Mencken Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. -- H. L. Mencken After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations. -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong. -- H. L. Mencken we, the unwilling, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. we have done so much, for so long, with so little, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing. Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts. -- Drebin, Naked Gun 2 1/2 Q: How many Somalians can you fit in a bathtub? A: I lost count. They kept on falling down the drain. There are a billion people in China. It's not easy to be an individual in a crowd of more than a billion people. Think of it. More than a BILLION people. That means even if you're a one-in-a-million type of guy, there are still a thousand guys exactly like you. -- A. Whitney Brown, _The Big Picture_ Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages. In the beginning there was nothing. God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing, but everybody could see it. You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat. -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup. `I want you to stop quoting me out of context,' he said. `Printing my comments intact would make things much easier.' Mansfield went on to claim `I...[like]...boys.' -- From the Harvard Lampoon's mock of the Harvard Crimson Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question. -- Lt. Henry Mon, USAF, circa 1961 There are three stages in the killing of the astrophysicist: (1) the early stage, when his body successfully resists the tidal forces; (2) the intermediate stage, when it is gradually succumbing; and (3) the final stage, when it has been completely overwhelmed. -- "The fate of a man who falls into the singularity at r = 0" _Gravitation_ "In the beginning, there was nothing. Then God said `Let there be light', and there was still nothing, but you could see it." -- Dave Thomas, SCTV Lady Nancy Astor, Viscountess: "If you were my husband, Winston, I should flavour your coffee with poison." Winston Churchill: "If I WERE your husband, madam, I should drink it." when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. in my sleep. like my grandfather. not screaming, like the passengers in his car... Colorless green ideas sleep furiously -- Noam Chomsky Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds. -- Albert Einstein It is not known with what weapon World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. -- Albert Einstein God does not play dice with the cosmos. -- Albert Einstein 2 E = M C -- Albert Einstein Pi = 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592 i Pi e = -1 Consistently separating words by spaces became a general custom about the tenth century A.D., and lasted until about 1957, when FORTRAN abandoned the practice. -- Sun FORTRAN Reference Manual "So what do we do if we get bitten by something deadly, then?", I asked. He blinked at me as if I were stupid. "Well what do you think you do?", he said. "You die of course. That's what deadly means." -- "Last Chance To See", Douglas Adams and Mark Carwardine Winner, "Papers I wish I hadn't written" contest: Montagnino, Lucian A., "Test and Evaluation of the Hubble Space Telescope 2.4 Meter Primary Mirror" Proc. SPIE, Large Optics Technology, Vol. 571, August 1985 I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor" ... What's my mother going to do? -- Steven Wright Have you heard of the upcoming Schizophrenics' Convention in 1992? Don't miss it! Anybody who's everybody will be there! A slow winter day A night like forever Sink like a stone Float like a feather "How I wish I could recollect of circle round The exact relation Archimede unwound." -- [Pi] "How I want a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy lectures involving quantum mechanics." -- Martin Gardner [Pi] Some people are born to write FORTRAN, others aspire to write FORTRAN, but most have writing FORTRAN thrust upon them. A modification of the Delta motto we used after a Delta flight crashed on approach at the Dallas-Fort Worth International Airport: "Delta---We almost got you there" Q. How do you attract a vegetarian? A. Make a noise like a wounded vegetable. Q: Who do you hire to build an ivory tower? A: Deconstruction workers. Wayne's World C Programming Style Guide: A == B; !; A great name for a new country song: If I'd Shot You Sooner, I'd Be Out of Jail by Now. Mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to extinction. Let us pray we choose correctly. -- Woody Allen Q: What do you get when you cross an ethernet with an income statement? A: A local area networth. It appears some British newspaper ran a contest to come up with a new name for the USSR. One of the better entries was UFFR: Union of Fewer and Fewer Republics. With departure of Ukraine from the Soviet Union, Mikhail Gorbachev announced that the official English name of the former Soviet Union has been changed to Intersection of Soviet Socialist Republics, yet spelled USSR, but with an inverted U. Don't keep a negative attitude, such as "I will not succeed, I will not succeed." Instead, keep a positive attitude: "I WILL fail. I WILL fail." ((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^1/2)) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, plus three times the square root of four, divided by seven, plus five times eleven, equals nine squared and not a bit more. Twice five syllables Plus seven can't say much but That's Haiku for you. "Mommy, mommy! The garbage man is here!" "Well, tell him we don't want any!" -- Groucho Marx In a literature class, the students were given an assignment to write a short story involving all the important ingredients - Nobility, Emotion, Sex, Religion and Mystery. One student allegedly handed in the following story: "My god!" cried the duchess. "I'm pregnant. Who did it?" Why did the Mafia kill Einstein? He knew too much. If you get penalized for excessive celebration for a TD that is reversed by replay review, does the penalty still count? Q: What has got two legs and bleeds ? A: Half a dog... In a Russian tragedy, everybody dies. In a Russian comedy, everybody dies too. But they die happy. -- Barry Farber, in the Journal of Petroleum Technology Project: To determine what makes things tick. Plan: ....to stop the ticking. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson commercial? "In 6 years I'm going to Disneyworld!" Ovary 1: Did you order any furniture? Ovary 2: No, why do you ask? Ovary 1: Two nuts are downstairs trying to shove an organ through the door. Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences. for.eign aid ['fo.r-*n 'a-d], n.: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. Job vacancy advertisment. Wanted: Small man for job as a mud flap. Must be flexible and willing to travel.