Bumper Stickers and One Liners
(you decide which is which...)
It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
I drink to make other people interesting.Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. -- Groucho Marx
So just what ARE time flies, and why do they like an ARROW?
A friend is someone who will help you move; a GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a body.
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. -- H. L. Mencken
Even a mosquito doesn't get a slap on the back until it starts to work.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to failure.
You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
In democracy its your vote that counts. In feudalism its your count that votes.
A metaphor is like a simile.
We'll burn that bridge when we come to it.
I don't care who you are, what you drive, or where you'd rather be.
My kid beat up your honor student.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it. -- Steven Wright
It's not the fall that kills you, it's the impact on the rocks below. C code. C code run. Run code, run...please?
The speed of time is one second per second.
No matter how hard you throw a dead fish in the water, it still won't swim.
I won't have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
Black holes result from God dividing the universe by zero.
If P is prime, is P' prime prime?
Solution to two of the world's problems: Feed the homeless to the hungry.
San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and never was. -- Herb Caen
If the phone doesn't ring, it's me.
The other day I went to the stationery store, but it had moved.
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI.
Practice safe government---use kingdoms.
Anarchist reply: Abstinence is the only way to be 100% sure.
Your mother's so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
Do you think sheep know when you're pulling the wool over their eyes?
Benny Hill: The master of the single entendre.
You know you lead a sad life when the girls who get around never get around to you.
Trust everybody ... then cut the cards.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Exceptions prove the rule ... and wreck the budget.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
Quality assurance dosen't.
The tough part of a Data Processing Manager's job is that users don't really know what they want, but they know for certain what they don't want.
Exceptions always outnumber rules.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
He who hesitates is probably right.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
If somthing is confidential, it will be left in the copier machine.
One child is not enough, but two children are far too many.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
The hardness of the butter is in direct proportion to the softness of the butter.
The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs.
When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear. When there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.
The book you spent $20.95 for today will come out in paperback tomorrow.
The more an item costs, the farther you have to send it for repairs.
You never want the one you can afford.
Never ask the barber if you need a haircut or a salesman if his is a good price.
If it says "one size fits all," it dosen't fit anyone.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
Love letters, business contracts and money due you always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
When you drop change at a vending machine, the pennies will fall nearby, while all other coins will roll out of sight.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Experience is somthing you don't get until just after you need it.
Life can be only understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards. Interchangable parts won't.
No matter which way you go, it's uphill and against the wind.
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.
Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached their level of incompetence.
Progress is made on alternative Fridays.
No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
As soon as the stewardess serves the coffee, the airline re-encounters turbulence.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
When reviewing your notes for a test, the most important ones will be illegible.
A free agent is anything but.
The least experienced fisherman always catches the biggest fish.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
The one item you want is never the one on sale.
The telephone will ring when you are outside the door, fumbling for your keys.
If only one price can be obtained for a quotation, the price will be unreasonable.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded that your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!"...until you can find a rock.
Diplomacy: The art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2 either.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department.
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A king's castle is his home.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
All that glitters has a high refractive index.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Anarchy is better than no government at all.
Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.
As you read the scroll, it vanishes...
Automobile: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.
Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Courage is your greatest present need.
CLEARASOL: Effective sunspot remover.
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Drive defensively -- buy a tank.
Earn cash in your spare time---blackmail friends.
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.
Familiarity breeds children.
God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
GAY ABANDON - Homosexual repellent perfume.
He who hesitates is sometimes saved.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Help support helpless victims of computer error.
Herblock's Law: if it is good, they will stop making it.
History does not repeat itself; historians merely repeat each other.
I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.
If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!
In the field of observation, chance favors only the prepared minds.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education. -- Albert Einstein
It works better if you plug it in.
Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
KODACLONE: Duplicating film.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Life is what happens to you while you are planning to do something else.
Life's a bitch, then you die.
Lynch's Law: When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.
Mediocrity thrives on standardization.
MOP AND GLOW: Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.
Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.
Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.
QUARKBAR: The candy with flavour and charm.
QUASIMOTO: 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.
Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.
Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.
Silver's law: If Murphy's law can go wrong it will.
Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it.
The road to to success is always under construction.
Those who can't write, write help files.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
TRAPEZOID: A device for catching zoids.
Wasting time is an important part of life.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
When in doubt, don't bother.
Xerox does it again and again and again and...
When in doubt, ignore it.
I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstates in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is prohibited?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?
If you are driving at the speed of light and you turn on your headlights, what happens?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What should you do if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways when we park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called shipment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes---why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn the radio down?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
If fire fighters fight fire and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
Son of Baglady
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
The Hunchback of Notre Dame's secret mantra: Oh mommy pat my hump.
What's good for Ugoose is good for Uganda.
We have them just where they want us. -- J. T. Kirk
I'd rather have Lockheed deliver the mail than ride around in a plane built by the post office.
Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. -- Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. -- Art Denman
Sex is a disrobic experience.
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. -- J.T. Kirk
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. -- Albert Einstein
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
Power means not having to respond.
Onward, through the fog.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
Only those who attempt the absurd can acheive the impossible.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
How can I tell you I love you when you're sitting on my face?
God is dead and I want His job.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
Our parents were never our age.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys. Hello! I'm a signature virus. Join in the fun and copy me into yours!
Thought for the day: What if there were no hypothetical situations?
I've truncated, and I can't round up!
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?
355/113: Not the famous irrational number Pi, but an incredible simulation!
PALINDROME spelled backwards is EMORDNILAP.
Introducing "lite", the new way to spell "light", with 20% fewer letters!
I own my own body, but I share.
A "Frisbeterian" believes that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof, and you can't get it back down.
"I better be going. I have to get up sometime tomorrow." -- Jim from "Taxi"
Plan: To make a machine that will be proud of us. -- Thinking Machine's motto.
Anarchy: It's not a law, it's just a good idea.
Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained.
Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
Q: How do you spell "onomatopoeia"? A: The way it sounds.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
A witty saying proves nothing. -- Voltaire
Eschew obfuscation.
She's a nice girl and all, but she's just a few sandwiches short of a good picnic. -- Ms. Opal
The misanthrope's catastrophic apostrophe landed in the cantaloupe near the antelope's interloper. -- R. Michael Young
Of course, long before you mature, most of you will be eaten.
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: If you only see one movie this year...you should get out more often!
The Naked Gun 2 1/2: From the brother...of the director...of Ghost.
Getting tired of children? Ever heard of youthanasia?
Why don't cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.
Two wrongs don't make a right, but three rights make a left.
I left my harp in Sam Clam's disco.
Humans were invented by water for transporting it uphill.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
If genius is one percent inspiration and 99 percent perspiration, I wind up sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.
Men are like small children. You bring a new one home and the ones already there resent it
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Men are like buses. They have spare tires and smell funny.
If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.
It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
The best laid plans of mice and men are worth just as much.
I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it can't be blamed one somebody else.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel... it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.
If you love something, kill it. If it returns, you belong to it forever.
Will your answer to this question be no?
It is the difference of opinion that makes horse races. -- Mark Twain
Love is like pi---natural, irrational, and VERY important.
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -- Gloria Steinum
I don't use drugs; my dreams are frightening enough. -- M. C. Escher
Parting is such sweet sorrow that I should say goodnight until tomorrow. -- Shakespeare
Goodnight, sweet Prince, and flights of angels take thee to thy rest. -- William Shakespeare
It's like deja-vu, all over again. -- Yogi Berra
People don't go there anymore. It's too crowded. -- Yogi Berra
You can observe a lot just by watchin'. -- Yogi Berra
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours. -- Yogi Berra
If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them. -- Yogi Berra
Tom Seaver: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?"
Yogi Berra: "You mean now?"
If you come to a fork in the road, take it. -- Yogi Berra
We have deep depth. -- Yogi Berra
We made too many wrong mistakes. -- Yogi Berra
I'm one with the Universe---on a scale from 1 to 10.
Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.
This is a baby sig that someday hopes to grow up to be a big, powerful and funny sig. -- d_kenned@oz.plymouth.edu
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening...But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
"He who can, does. He who cannot teaches. -- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
If God didn't exist, it would be necessary to invent him. -- Voltaire
Knowledge is power. -- Thomas Hobbes
Whom the gods destroy, they first make mad. -- Euripides
Marriage isn't a word, it's a sentence.
In marriage, the bride gets a shower, but for the groom it's curtains!
There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking---it's called marriage.
When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have inlaws.
A man is incomplete till he is married; then he is finished.
A self-made man will be amazed at the number of alterations made when he marries.
Ah, Mozart! He was happily married, but his wife wasn't. -- Borge
Bachelor: the only man who has never told his wife a lie.
Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they would be married too. -- H. L. Mencken
Do married people live longer, or does it just seem that way?
I never knew what true happiness was till I got married. And then it was too late.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx
Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity.
Marriage: the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license.
Of course I'm happily married. She's happy, and I'm married.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. -- Oscar Wilde
Practice random kindness and senseless acts of beauty.
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself. -- Mark Twain
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. -- Salvador Dali
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. -- William Clayton
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of in your philosophy. -- Shakespeare
Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Minds are like parachutes - they only function when open.
If Milli Vanilli falls down in the woods, does someone else make a sound?
There's more than one way to skin a cat. Way #15: Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
All persons, living or dead, are purely coincidental, and should not be construed. -- Kurt Vonnegut
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
How can you tell when sour cream goes bad?
If you hear an onion ring, answer it.
Better to Trade Knowledge than Something of Value.
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
.Sig! .Sig a .Sog! .Sig it loud! .Sig it .Strog! -- Karen Carpenter with a head cold
Women: Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em...
Poetry and Power Tools: "The sun creeps up / THE DAY AWAKES / ..."
Unlike the cleaning lady, I have to do Windows.
Gulf War Lite: High in accomplishments, with 2/3 fewer casualities than our regular war!
[Warning on knife]: Caution. Blade is sharp. Keep out of children.
I wrote a program in Lisp once...it wrote back to me.
Living right doesn't really make you live longer, it just SEEMS like longer.
Q: Where does virgin wool come from?
A: Ugly sheep.
Quantum mechanics is very impressive but I am convinced God does not play dice. -- Einstein
The most incomprehensible thing about the universe is that it is comprehensible. -- Einstein
God is subtle but surely he is not malicious. -- Einstein
The ground of Physics is littered with corpses of Unified Theories. -- Freeman Dyson
Anybody who is not shocked by QM has not understood it. -- Bohr
Anybody who is not bothered by the Bell's theorem must have rocks in his head. -- Wightman
Man will not succeed in joining what God has torn asunder. -- Pauli against Unification
Einstein's universe has matter but no motion, De Sitter's model has motion but no matter. -- Eddington
The true delight is in finding out and not in knowing. -- Asimov
If I have seen further than others, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants. -- Newton
There are more questions than answers; and the more I find out, the less I know. -- Johny Nash
Being famous is really rather a nuisance. -- Hawking
I think therefore I am. -- Descartes
In Mathematics, you don't understand things; you just get used to them. -- Neumann
Who ordered that? -- Issac Rabi (when informed about the Muon)
All colours will agree in the dark. -- Francis Bacon
Logic works, Metaphysics contemplates. -- Joseph Joubert
Logic, like whiskey, loses its beneficial effects when taken in too large a quantity. -- Lord Dunsany
What professor Einstein has just said is not so stupid. -- Pauli (when young)
A table of random numbers, once printed, requires no errata. -- Mark Kak
"The color of truth is gray." -- Andre Gide
"The devil is an optimist if he thinks he can make people meaner." -- Karl Kraus
"It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them." -- Alfred Adler
Nothing is obvious unless you are overlooking something. -- Tye McQueen, E.
'Imagination is more important than knowledge.' -- Albert Einstein
"If evolution is outlawed only outlaws will evolve." -- Daniel A. Ashlock
"Down, boy! There's a good dogma." -- Mathew (off talk.origins)
"Keep an open mind---but not so open your brain falls out." -- Robert Low

When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. -- Mae West
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, ok?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
You can't fall off the floor.
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. -- Mae West
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
The future isn't what it used to be.
I wish you were a beer.
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
Love means telling you why you're sorry.
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
Better dead than mellow.
If I follow you home will you keep me?
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies.
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
On a child's T-Shirt: My human experiance is just beginning.
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehesable truth.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Farmhands Feel Better
Nuke the whales
Join the Army: Travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. -- Mae West
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
The torture never stops.
Ignore alien orders.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
Bend over. I'll drive.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down. No problem.
Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.
We dive at five.
I'd walk over you to see the Who.
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
I'm for lust.
I want a meal, not a snack.
The word today is Legs ... Spread the word.
T-Shirt saying: Biodegradeable
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Your lucky number has been disconnected.
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day.
Today is the first day of the rest of the mess.
You know it's a bad day when... ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold.
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Everything takes longer than you think.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
Mother Nature is a bitch.
Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.
When things just can't get any worse, they will.
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working.
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse.
Any given program, when running, it is obsolete.
Any given program costs more and takes longer.
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
When it rains, it pours.
The course of progress: Most things get steadily worse.
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Things will get worse before they get better.
Who said things would get better?
Things get worse under pressure.
Nothing ever goes away.
You always find something in the last place you look.
You can't fall off the floor.
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Push something hard enough and it will fall.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
Too much of a good thing is wonderful.
It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Test tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
If God intended men to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route.
Whoever has the gold makes the rules.
Nice guys don't finish nice.
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
It's better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors without end.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
It was such a lovely day I thought it was a pity to get up.
I may have my faults, but being wrong isn't one of them.
If today was a fish, I'd throw it back in.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
The only reason people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.
Stop crime at its source! Support Planned Parenthood.
The 100% American is 99% an idiot.
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
There's no point in being grownup if you can't be childish sometimes.
You're being followed; cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
The whole purpose of your life is to serve as a warning to others.
A gleekzorp without a ternpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of)
Laugh at your problems, everyone else does.
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
I'm prepared for all emergencies. But I'm totally unprepared for everyday life.
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
The new baby is like royalty, he's the prince of wails.
He heard she was stuck up and asked how much they got.
Ill-bred children are always displaying their pest manners.
He had never seen the Catskill Mountains, but had seen them kill mice.
The pants were very sad, they were depressed.
Her body was recovered, she bought a new suit of clothes.
If a women changed her sex, what would her religion be? She would be a he-then.
When asked if he had missed school lately, the boy said `Not a bit.`
The former ruler of Russia and his wife were called Tsar and Tsarina, so clearly their children were called Tsardines.
Students may like nitrates, they're cheaper than day rates.
New with a K in front is a Canoe.
He thought the formula for water was H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O, H-to-O.
Little rivers which run into the Nile, Juveniles.
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down the road when one of them was assaulted?
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance.
When does summertime come to Minnesota you ask? Well, last year I think it was a Tuesday.
I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've always worked for me.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a call.
Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror and you wouldn't have been notified.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
Get forgiveness now - tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Cautious: Breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. Yes is the answer.
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
The more things change, the more they stay insane.
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid.
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off.
Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened!
Paul Revere was a tattle-tail.
Monday is an awful was to spend 1/7 of your life.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Keep grandma off the streets. Legalize bingo.
Just take a cold shower and sleep it off.
In theory, everything works.
Life is recursive.
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Repetition is always better the second time.
Clever is getting out alive.
Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying)
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Have a nice day . . . somewhere else.
Was today really necessary?
Life without bears would be unbearable.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself.
I've no time to prepare a profound message.
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Whatever it is -- I didn't do it!
You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core . . . I like that in a person.
Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
It's been Monday all week.
When all else fails, lower your standards.
I'm surrounded by idiots!
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Why be normal?
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent.
If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick.
I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do.
Never trust a nun with a gun.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
The secret of the universe is @
&^^^ NO CARRIER
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
It's an IBM; it's got an excuse.
Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.
No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep shit.
Never go into a hug off balance.
Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated.
Cute and interesting are two different things.
If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give?
Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful.
It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be.
Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks.
If life's a trip, then where's my ticket?
IBM: The stupidity goes in when the name goes on.
I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble.
If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively.
A kibble is one thousand nibbles.
Having a good time can be deadly.
Reality is only fantasy gone stale.
Be good; if you can't be good, forget it!
If you can't go first class, charge it.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
Be fruit fly and multiple.
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems?
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying.
If you can't be weird, why be?
It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow.
Gravity always gets me down.
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I'm serious; it was a joke.
Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit.
If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it.
If I can't fix it, it ain't broken.
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it.
I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep.
I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic.
Being good at being stupid doesn't count.
Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them.
You can't be late until you show up.
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
I just love nonverbal communication!
If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it.
You've gotta' die in creative ways.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck.
Get out of my reality!
If it's not nailed down, it's fair game.
It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal?
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
It's not when you get up, but when you get down.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it.
To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy.
Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy.
Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake?
When in doubt, use brute force.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
Your lucky number is 32345543423225. Watch for it everywhere.
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Look out! Behind you!
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Don't drink and drive - you might hit a bump and spill it.
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans.
If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it.
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog--
Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded.
Everything I need to know I got from watching Gilligan's Island.
It doesn't matter how hard you've studied; the material won't be on the exam anyway.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me.
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Life is just one of those things.
Don't use force; use a bigger hammer.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
It's not what you say in your argument, it's how loud you say it.
Live teddy bears are best.
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
The ultimate reason is "because."
I'm objective; I object to everything.
You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it??
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him.
Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party?
Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken.
It's only a game until you lose.
If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given him rabbit ears.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy.
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
Everything is unimportant in some way.
Life is a terminal disease.
Your lucky color has faded.
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining.
How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing?
The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it.
No matter where you go; you're there.
Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy - not with others, but with yourself.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
Don't take me literally.
Nothing is ever 100%
I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore.
I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night.
I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored.
It's not just reality that matters.
Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns.
The unexamined life is not worth living.
You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true.
Where does it go? It doesn't matter. Flush it.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way.
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
Save the whales, collect the whole set.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
90% of everything is crud.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
If all else fails, throw up.
Do we know that life has a cause?
No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse behind.
Fun is just point of view.
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
My rules apply only to other people, not myself.
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
It's only hopeless if you walk away.
Keep that sense of humor; it's critical.
Imagination is the foundation of reality.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away.
Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch.
Everything is possible; just not too probable.
Since when is talking a sign of thinking?
Looking to God for answers is premature.
I like quality, not quantity.
Why should I grow up? This is more fun!
I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out.
Reality is all a point of view.
Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it.
Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex.
Hugs don't feel as good on the computer.
Speak softly, but carry an M16.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley.
Consider yourself hugged.
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